Within the last few years, the discussion of a male loneliness epidemic has become increasingly prevalent. The crux of the idea is that men are reporting feeling progressively more isolated, citing an absence of authentic romantic and platonic relationships alike. While this concept isn’t necessarily incorrect, it’s misleading and one-dimensional. In reality, the epidemic speaks to a much larger lack of connection on a societal level — regardless of gender identity — and subsequently fails to place a certain level of accountability on men’s part.
There has been an overwhelming amount of pressure placed on women to resolve this issue, specifically in the realm of straight men and heteronormative relationships. However, to put it succinctly and bluntly, women do not owe men the emotional labor of fixing their lives for them.
If men want a lasting relationship, there needs to be the same amount of care and decency that they expect from their female counterparts. If you treat your partner with apathy or a complete lack of effort, they won’t want to be with you, period. Men need to be expected and willing to put the same time and energy into their friendships and romantic relationships that society expects of women.
Women are lonely too. A survey conducted by Pew Research Center found that 16% of men reported feeling lonely most or all of the time and 15% of women consequently reporting the same thing. So why is it referred to as a male loneliness epidemic and not an epidemic that encompasses everyone?
The difference is that women often turn to others and have a larger network to alleviate these feelings of isolation, while men have been predominantly conditioned to keep emotions buried. If anyone is to blame for the lack of connection in men’s lives, it is the patriarchal and outdated expectations of masculinity that are still common in today’s world. The societally-placed norms of male-identifying people to be stoic, to not have a softer side and to not express genuine emotion are completely inhibiting men from building real relationships.
If individuals want an actual solution to the male loneliness epidemic, it is to stop expecting women to be the singular support for men and instead begin to deconstruct the harmful stereotypes society has created. Relationships of every kind are supposed to be a joint effort where people are present and exhibit the emotional intimacy to make each other feel seen and understood. Effort doesn’t mean that there has to be excessively grand gestures or something monetary; it can be little acts that show you listen. If the world is not teaching men to put in the work and be vulnerable, they shouldn’t suddenly be surprised that nobody is socially fulfilled.
As journalist Sara Youngblood Gregory wrote in an article about male loneliness, “caring is a tricky word for many women, as it brims with gendered expectations of labor, open availability, and mental load. For many women — especially those who are sexually and romantically involved with men — the burden of investing in men and their problems often blurs the line between care and caretaking.” It seems as though society expects women to somehow be surprised men can feel lonely on such an extreme level, but in reality, they know all too well that if they raise their standards or pull back on the all-encompassing devotion they consistently put into relationships, they will be deemed useless.
If society put as much emphasis on having men pull some of the weight in relationships instead of blindly waxing poetic about the male loneliness epidemic, the issue would undoubtedly resolve itself. It’s not that women don’t care that men are feeling increasingly isolated; it’s that they want society to fully recognize the love and support they bleed on a daily basis.
It’s not just women’s place to facilitate these conversations either, men must encourage other men to be vulnerable and learn what it takes to be in a fulfilling relationship. They cannot wait for the loneliness to fade away or for women to come and magically make it better.
