On Oct. 29, Vogue published an article by writer Chanté Joseph titled “Is Having a Boyfriend Embarrassing Now?”
Within its paragraphs, Joseph explains her disdain for the shift between authentic, fun content produced by women to being completely wrapped up in their boyfriends once they get into a relationship.
Substack users crawled all over the Vogue article after it was published, with user “personalscriptures” publishing her own interpretation of heterosexual relationships in the era of soft-launching and what she refers to as the liability of public love.
Soft-launching has grown popular amid this new wave of silent affection, with women posting men’s silhouettes in windows, a muscular hand around the curve of a steering wheel or a beer at the edge of a shot near an espresso martini on their Instagram stories. Women aren’t posting pictures of any man they get involved with anymore, and more vocal claims of new boyfriends are slowly fizzling into silence.
But what is it about loving loudly that has become so burdensome?
Despite myself routinely being referred to as a “man-hater,” so much so that my own parents question whether or not I’ll ever actually date one, I don’t hate them. Rather, I’m simply uninterested.
I haven’t dated anyone since my freshman year of high school, and even that was an agonizing three months — if you could even call it a relationship. After doing everything but succumbing to the trap of Tinder or Hinge, I’ve still suffered from numerous failed talking stages and short-lived situationships that make me not want to step foot outside of my dorm room because I’m horrified I might see them in the dining hall.
But, what is it about being seen with a man that is so embarrassing? Is it the shorts and flip flops in 25 degree weather or the fact a majority of them don’t clean or do their laundry? Or is it the way they act differently around their friends than they do around you?
When it comes to my own experiences, the looming threat was always feeling like I was responsible for the things they say and do.
Men aren’t afraid to be vocal about their opinions. In fact, it is common for men to interrupt women with their thoughts. But in the wake of reinvented witch hunts and cancel culture, women are the ones cast onto the stake for things their boyfriends or husbands say.
It’s more embarrassing to be the woman dating the man who says problematic things online, rather than being the one saying it.
It doesn’t even matter that they may have never said something offensive or hurtful before; it doesn’t stop other people from casting judgment onto the shoulders of unassuming women, who are likely more disappointed in him than you are in her.
It’s a defense mechanism to keep ourselves safe. If no one knows we have a boyfriend, then there’s no repercussions for the embarrassment of being cheated on, or ghosted or when something they say snaps us out of whatever starry-eyed trance we may have been in.
With the new age of Sabrina Carpenter’s and her house on Pretty Girl Avenue, the Barbie movie’s rendition of BarbieLand and feminist pop music, women have begun to reconsider the power of their existence and sexuality.
Following President Donald Trump’s win in the 2024 election, the 4B movement took off in popularity in the United States. Originally a South Korean celibacy movement, it prioritizes the refusal of romantic and sexual relationships with men, heterosexual marriages and childbirth.
Women in the United States have grown very attached to the idea, with Joseph’s Vogue article citing a few comments made on a podcast episode discussing the concept of boyfriends being “lame.” Commenters expressed that having a boyfriend makes a woman lose her sparkle, or that boyfriends won’t come back into women’s rotations until they clean up their act.
I subscribe to this notion, and after giving men another try this year, followed by another disappointment, I’d say I’m further committed to swearing off men than I ever was before.
For me, it is embarrassing to date a man. Or even want to date one. There’s something humbling about thinking they’re different from the last one you tried to pursue something with, only to figure out that they really aren’t at all.
They always compliment your eyes, say you’re unlike anyone they’ve ever met and that they share a real connection with you, more so than with their past girlfriends, only to dump you the moment you tell your friends it’s going well. And then they act like nothing happened whenever they see you.
It’s time for us to start prioritizing ourselves. A lot of men act like they’re entitled to whatever you have to give, but that’s not true.
Women have always been beautiful, intelligent and funny. Any woman I’ve ever talked to has been the wittiest and smartest person I’ve ever met, and it kills me when they have low self-esteem, especially because a man has put them down.
I fully believe in the fact that the most powerful, creative or any other adjective you’d like to use, man is just an average woman. Men have been receiving the credit for things women have always done, such as Francis Crick, James Watson and Maurice Wilkins being given the credit for Rosalind Franklin’s findings about the double-helix structure of DNA, despite their collaboration on the project.
Either that or they’re regarded as incredibly smart for having empathetic thoughts that women have on a more routine basis compared to men.
So, I find myself agreeing with the general public when it comes to Joseph’s striking opinion. It is embarrassing to have a boyfriend, but it doesn’t have to be that way forever. Men have to change, but the vast majority of opinions on the internet do, too.
Until the constant blaming of women for the actions of their boyfriends or husbands stops, the feeling of needing to hide their existence won’t go away. But, men also have to prioritize themselves here. It’s time to stop letting them get away with rude comments or uneducated takes. Until then, I think the era of soft-launches will continue.
