Editor’s note: Partal anonymity has been granted to the sexual assault survivor quote in this story to protect her identity. This story contains mentions of domestic violence and sexual assault. App State Wellness and Prevention Services provides free mental health resources for students and can be reached at 828 262-3148. OASIS provides services and support to victims of domestic and sexual violence and can be reached at 828 262-5035.
Emily was 16 years old when her most cherished woodland hangout spot was ruined.
Emily, a junior forensic chemistry major, was a teenage girl with simple concerns, like forgetting a study session for a math test, when her best friend sexually assaulted her.
Emily discovered she was oceans away from being alone when she attended App State’s Take Back the Night event in April of last year. She was met with a dimly-lit stage full of various anonymous survivors who had also endured immense emotional pain sharing their stories. Tuesday, she decided to tell her story at App State’s annual Take Back the Night event in Crossroads.
According to its website, Take Back the Night is the oldest nonprofit worldwide movement with a mission to end sexual assault, intimate partner violence and sexual abuse through events and rallies just like the event hosted by Wellness and Prevention Services at Crossroads.
To this day, sexual assault is rampant and leaves bottomless wounds.
Emily grasped the reality that life after a sexually traumatic experience comes with sudden jumps when her closest male friend moves too hastily, and she experiences a perpetual state of distrust in any man who enters her close corners.
“I have a really, really difficult time forming and maintaining relationships. I’m 21, and I’ve never dated anybody,” Emily said. “It’s like when a clam starts to come out of its shell, and then you go near it, and it slams back down. It’s just everywhere all the time.”
Emily’s experience is not uncommon. According to Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network, 37% of sexual assault survivors experience an extreme inability to trust their closest friends and family following an assault. This is because a profound sense of betrayal accompanies the trauma. Pasadena Trauma Therapy’s website states that personal betrayal shatters their belief that intimacy can be safe.
For women in particular, sexual trauma can deeply interfere with their ability to form vulnerable and trusting relationships with men, as 60% of assaults are committed by an individual known by the survivor.
“I was entrenched in the belief, ‘No, that’s my best friend; we love each other. He would never do something like that to me, so nothing happened — I made it up,’” Emily said. “But you can trust somebody that much, and they can still f— you over.”
Emily reflected on what society expects from survivors, and that there is no box tiny enough to fit its strict standards. She said survivors are expected to either be the sad archetype or the empowered and resilient kind, with no room for nuance. Emily said this expectation is “insane” and simply not how trauma recovery works.
This notion only highlights the importance of campus-held events like Take Back the Night. Justin Parks is a coordinator for Wellness and Prevention Services. In his time hosting the event, he said his goal was to create a space for people to communicate their stories and find a sense of solidarity in what life can look like following a traumatic event.
Parks said life after the experience can be rather lonely, and Take Back the Night is an opportunity to find community with others while keeping people aware that sexual assault is an ongoing issue.
“This is still happening. It’s not going away, and it won’t go away, unfortunately,” Parks said.
Parks himself is a survivor and utilized poetry at an early age as a coping mechanism. He said poetry is a way to flesh out all of his thoughts and emotions on a page so the inside of his brain can breathe a bit better.
Parks views trauma storytelling as a powerful tool for others to witness as well, which is why public events welcoming vulnerability are paramount.
“That’s what Take Back the Night does really well; it puts it out there so people can say, ‘Oh, my gosh, I know exactly what that was like, and I’m not alone, and that’s awesome,” Parks said.
