6 ways to get the most out of campus sidewalks

Dewey Mullis

I have learned a great deal during my years at Appalachian State University, but there is one concept that I have yet to master: sidewalks. I find myself darting around unexpected life events and phenomena that occur on the sidewalks, and I have come to the conclusion that I am simply using them improperly. Here is my interpretation of the six best uses of a sidewalk:

1. The sidewalk offers the best cellphone reception.

Only on the sidewalk can one receive a signal strong enough to experience the sensations of Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and last-minute emails from professors. One cannot help but allow their head to fall victim to the gravitational pull of a cellphone.

2. Bikes and skateboards are the safest and most efficient mode of transportation.

Evolutionarily disadvantaged, bipedal strollers always seem to be in the paths of superior transport vessels. Amid hundreds of casual walkers, cyclists trudge wholeheartedly toward their far-away destinations. What could be more effective than biking in limited space?

3. Reuniting with old friends.

It is inevitable that your high school class president will not plan your first high school reunion. It will occur on the sidewalk when you least expect it. Make sure to reserve as much room as possible because there are bound to be a few excited leaps off of the retaining wall. Don’t mind the passersby. They’re just jealous.

4. Taking advantage of the BFF side-draft.

Side-drafting is a phrase used in auto racing to describe the phenomenon of two cars driving side-by-side and sharing the same low-pressure air bubble and, thus, going faster. Utilizing this technique on a narrow sidewalk will provide a greater bond between two friends. Simply walk two- or three-wide to maximize the use of the decreased air pressure and ensure that nobody will slingshot around you and beat you to class.    

5. A sidewalks is the ideal tool to help assert dominance.

For those of us who are relatively small in stature, a slim sidewalk can become a coliseum fit for gladiator-style displays of dominance. Simply place yourself in the middle of the walking path and don’t move for anyone. Your unsuspecting opponent will shrink beneath you and surrender their space to you, the rightful owner.

6. Philosophizing on the innate beauty of a brick comprised of both an octagon and a square.

Just look at it. You might spend hours trying to completely understand how two different shapes can join in harmony to form a seamless, symmetrical and awe-inspiring mural of epic proportions.

Mullis, a senior criminal justice major from Wallburg, is an opinion writer.